What Count As Cheating

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Cheating. The word itself carries a weight that can shatter relationships, dissolve trust, and leave emotional wreckage in its wake.

Is it just about physical intimacy, or does emotional closeness with someone else cross the line? Does flirting count? What about following your ex on Instagram and liking all their pictures?

Relationships today operate in a more complex space than ever before. Social media has blurred traditional boundaries, making it possible to maintain connections that would have naturally faded in the past. The casual “good morning” text to someone you secretly find attractive, the slightly-too-long hug at a party, the inside jokes exchanged with a colleague—none of these seem outright harmful, but do they qualify as betrayal?

For many, the definition of cheating is clear-cut: any form of sexual intimacy outside the relationship is a violation. But for others, the betrayal starts long before that. “I was talking to this guy at work every day, sharing my frustrations about my relationship, and over time, I realised I was more emotionally invested in him than my actual partner,” says Tolu, a 34-year-old banker in Lagos. “There was no sex, but when my boyfriend found out, he was devastated. To him, I had cheated.”

The emotional affair is arguably the most insidious form of infidelity. Unlike physical cheating, which often happens in the heat of the moment, an emotional connection develops gradually, making it even harder to identify—until it’s too late. It starts with confiding in someone, then evolves into inside jokes, private conversations, and eventually, a bond that rivals the one with your actual partner. The danger here is that emotional infidelity can sometimes be more painful than a one-time physical encounter. A partner can forgive a meaningless fling, but knowing that someone else understands you in a way they no longer do? That’s a different kind of betrayal.

Of course, there’s also the murky world of digital cheating. Social media has given people a playground for subtle—and sometimes not-so-subtle—forms of unfaithfulness. Dapo, a 29-year-old photographer in Abuja, found himself in trouble with his girlfriend over his Instagram activity. “I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong,” he says. “But my girlfriend saw that I was constantly DMing this one girl, reacting to all her stories, and even sending flirty messages. She said it was cheating. To me, it was just harmless fun.”

This raises another crucial question: Does intent matter? If someone flirts with no intention of following through, does it still count as cheating? And what about situations where there’s no flirting at all, just secretive communication with another person? Some argue that secrecy itself is a betrayal—if you wouldn’t say or do something in front of your partner, then it’s probably crossing the line.

Yet, not all definitions of cheating are universal. Cultural expectations also play a role. In Nigeria, for example, societal norms often place different expectations on men and women when it comes to fidelity. While a man’s “indiscretions” may be overlooked or excused, a woman stepping out of line—even in the slightest way—is often met with harsher consequences. A married woman having deep conversations with another man might be judged more harshly than a husband who is openly unfaithful. “When my husband cheated, they told me to be patient, that men will always be men,” says Kemi, a 42-year-old businesswoman in Ibadan. “But when he found out I had been texting an old friend, it was a disaster. To him, I had done something unforgivable.”

Ultimately, the real answer to what counts as cheating depends on the people in the relationship. Boundaries vary from couple to couple, and what might seem like an innocent act to one person can feel like a deep betrayal to another. This is why conversations about expectations are so important. Many couples operate on assumptions—assuming that their partner defines cheating the same way they do. But the truth is, without an honest conversation, those assumptions can lead to heartbreak.

Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel once said, “Cheating is not so much about sex as it is about secrecy, about betrayal, about the violation of trust.” And that’s what it really comes down to. Whether it’s a hidden message thread, a lingering look, or a full-blown affair, cheating isn’t just about what’s done—it’s about how it makes the other person feel.

At the end of the day, the best way to avoid crossing the line is to ask yourself: if my partner saw this, would they feel hurt? If the answer is yes, then maybe—just maybe—you’ve already crossed it.

Written By Konye Chelsea Nwabogor