Garri, Groundnut, and Greatness: The Untold Secrets of Tinubu

“Did you hear? We’ve all been living in ignorance. Tinubu is a poor man. Yes, a man of humble means who’s been secretly living on garri and groundnut this whole time. And here we were thinking he was wealthy. How could we have been so blind?”

“Honestly, I nearly choked on my own garri when I heard that! Poor Tinubu, sitting there in his ‘modest’ Bourdillon mansion—sorry, I mean his two-bedroom self-contained. All this time, I thought he had private jets, but clearly, he must have been booking Okada to work.”

“Exactly! I mean, what kind of leader serves his guests a buffet of delicacies and then opts for garri? That’s a true man of the people! Forget your caviar and champagne; real leaders prefer groundnut. And let’s not overlook the economic wisdom—one bowl of garri probably saved the nation from inflation!”

“You know, next thing they’ll tell us is that Tinubu secretly raises goats in his backyard to supplement his income. I’m sure his cows are the ones that mow his lawn too. Talk about a self-reliant leader!”

“And let’s not forget Shettima’s bragging about his palace in Maiduguri. Apparently, it makes Buckingham Palace look like a BQ. Meanwhile, poor Tinubu is in his modest Lagos ‘face-me-I-face-you.’ Picture him in the dark, plotting Nigeria’s future with a bowl of garri, squinting at his worn-out wristwatch that he’s had since the 80s.”

“Oh, the sacrifices! Governance? Forget it. He’s mastered the art of minimalism. Tinubu’s probably saving the nation by living on boiled yam and sachet water. Imagine the savings! Meanwhile, Shettima’s out here as his hype man, revealing the important details like, ‘Tinubu has only one wristwatch!’ How could we have missed this key to economic recovery?”

“And Shettima’s childbirth analogy—wow! Nigerians, we just need to be patient, like waiting for a baby to be born. Except this baby has been ‘overdue’ for decades and shows no signs of arriving. But hey, maybe if we all start soaking garri, it will speed things up.”

“Yes! We’ve apparently crossed the river—into what, no one’s sure, but as long as Tinubu sticks to his garri and groundnut, we’re golden. Forget about the exchange rate; his single bowl of garri is holding the naira together. And don’t even get me started on that wristwatch—it’s probably the secret to stabilizing our currency!”

“Speaking of secrets, did you hear the latest bombshell? Tinubu says he has no godfather. None! The man pulled himself up by his own bootstraps—well, garri-soaked bootstraps—and single-handedly funded his presidential campaign with loose change from his piggy bank. Who needs billionaires when you have coins from the couch cushions?”

“No godfather? Incredible! I mean, how does one even achieve such heights without borrowing a single naira? The man probably walked to Aso Rock, barefoot, selling puff-puff on the way to fund his posters. Forget political alliances—he was campaigning with sheer grit and leftover garri. Who knew garri could be so powerful?”

“It’s almost like he didn’t even need an election; he probably just willed himself into office with his garri-fueled determination. While other politicians are out there hustling for sponsors, Tinubu’s like, ‘Nah, I got this. Pass me the groundnut.’ His entire election strategy must have been fueled by a balanced diet of cassava flakes and peanuts.”

“And now, he’s telling traditional rulers he owes nobody anything—no godfather, no sponsors, just him and his trusty wristwatch. Marching into Aso Rock, pockets empty, but dreams full. Poor man! How could anyone doubt his sincerity when he funded his campaign with garri money?”

“Yes, poor indeed! How could we have known? While other politicians are out there borrowing millions, Tinubu was probably selling puff-puff and zobo on the side to pay for campaign posters. I hear he’s even considering adding groundnut hawking to his side gigs now that the economy is stabilizing!”

“I’m beginning to think Tinubu should open a consulting firm: ‘How to Become President on a Garri Budget.’ Forget political connections or big donations—just soak some garri, chew a few groundnuts, and watch the magic happen. We’ve all been focusing on the wrong things!”

“And it’s clearly working! He’ll soon be offering workshops on ‘How to Win Without a Godfather or Borrowing from the Bank.’ The entry fee? A handful of groundnut and a wristwatch, of course. Who needs sponsors when you have such purity of spirit and such an impressive wristwatch collection… okay, wristwatch, singular.”

“Exactly! We’ve all been stuck in the past, thinking elections need money or influence. Meanwhile, Tinubu’s rewriting the playbook, one garri meal at a time. Soon, the entire nation will be soaking garri to solve our problems! Who needs oil when we’ve got groundnut and cassava?”

“Let’s just hope that garri can work miracles, because at this rate, we might need it to balance the budget—and maybe even export it to fix the dollar rate. After all, if it worked for Tinubu, why not for the rest of us?”

@  This satirical piece is written by Sir Favour Nneji Amako, a Journalist, Public Commentator  and Communication Scholar